INFIDELITY IN THE U.S.
Can Faithfulness Exist In Today’s Relationships?
Biological Factors, Primal Urges
Infidelity is certainly not a new dilemma for society. It has been a part of human coupling since the dawn of time. I believe this is because of two reasons. The first is that we still operate from much more subconscious, primal urges than we probably care to admit. Each species is designed primarily for one thing: to ensure the survival of that species. The best way to do that is for each member of that species to produce as much as their environment will support. Each individual’s goal within the species is to ensure that their specific and unique gene pool continues on via their offspring. Therefore it is only natural that we contain the urge to procreate as much as our bodies will allow.
In modern society this is far from logical. Individuals and a species as a whole should not reproduce more than they can afford to feed, protect and nurture. Within the human race, we have exceeded this to a dangerous degree. The world is heavily overpopulated, millions of people do not have enough to eat or water to drink, and many people individually produce more offspring than they can afford to feed, clothe, shelter and nurture.
However, the urge is still there. This urge is typically stronger in the human male than in the female, and that comes naturally due to our physiology. The male has an endless amount of sperm lasting throughout his entire life. A female, however, has a limited number of eggs. Also, while men can produce children without any wear and tear on their bodies, a female not only has to carry the baby to term, but she is typically the one required to feed, nurture, tend to and ensure their basic needs are met. A woman can only do that with a limited number of children in her lifetime. So there is a primal urge to reproduce that works within us, even in a modern society where our conscious goal may no longer be to produce numerous children.
Yet even in a modern society where we are fully aware that we need not and often have a strong desire to avoid producing any more children, there is still a widespread problem with infidelity. Why is it so hard to be faithful to just one mate for a lifetime? Is it the man’s urge to plant his seed in as many wombs as possible to ensure the continuation of his gene pool? It does work on a subconscious level, but we are conscious creatures capable of logical thought. So what else is driving it?
Social Factors
The second reason why infidelity has always been in existence and continues to be such a problem is a psychological characteristic of many, if not most, people in our modern society. In a world where we are inundated with images and stories of supermodels, super athletes, super achievers in business, on the stage, in our advertising and throughout all aspects of our entertainment, insecurity is a definite part of many people’s makeup. Insecurity can often be temporarily thwarted by experiencing the attraction and pursuit of a viable mate.
Also contributing to that is a lack of understanding or concern over how we rear our children. Rather than praise them for their positive characteristics and acknowledging them for their many accomplishments as they grow, we tend to be negative, giving them attention only when they make a mistake or underachieve. This leads to insecurity and a lack of self-worth, which in turn can lead to infidelity, as people seek extra-marital reassurance concerning their value in society.
Insecurity
According to Divorcestatistics.com, the infidelity rate in the U.S. has increased dramatically within the last twenty-five years. The website claims that the main reason women cheat is because of a lack of emotional connection with their husbands. The reason they found most men cheat, as stated above, is to feed their egos, primarily, but also to have more sex, since their wives or partners tend to slow down sexually as life’s pressures from careers, adding children and taking care of the house increase.
Time As A Factor
Statistically, infidelity is more likely to happen at certain times within a relationship. About a year after marriage, when the couple settles into more of a routine and their sex life calms down, resulting in interaction happening less frequently, cheating is more likely to occur. Also, after the first child is born to the couple, chances increase that the male will cheat. This is likely because the female is preoccupied with the new baby and her husband feels neglected, rejected, lonely, or a combination of all three.
During the 5th to 7th year of the marriage, chances of infidelity increase again. This is thought to be because most of the couple’s goals have been achieved and they have fallen into a routine that doesn’t support a lot of excitement. Many adults crave the thrill of a new adventure and unfortunately choose infidelity as the path to experience that thrill.
Statistics in the U.S. support the fact that at least 22% of married men and 14% of married women have had a sexual encounter or affair outside their marriage. Other studies report that roughly 30-60% of all married U.S. individuals will have an affair or a single indiscretion.
Characteristics
Are there certain individual characteristics within individuals that make them more likely to cheat? Yes. Physical attraction is one. More attractive people are more likely to cheat, most likely because they have more opportunity to do so, and because being attractive doesn’t necessarily mean you view yourself as attractive and valuable. In fact, physically attractive people are often the most insecure because they have been led to believe that their primary value as a person is in their looks. Average people learn early on that they must develop other aspects of themselves to compete.
Because our looks are fleeting and fade as we get older, and especially as we try to hold them up to young models and stars that we forget will age themselves someday, insecurity within physically attractive people is often stronger and leads them to seek reassurance of their worth outside their committed relationship.
And of course attractive people have more opportunity to cheat. Other individuals are drawn to their looks and solicit their attention more often than an average or below average looking person would experience. The greater the opportunity to cheat, the more likely it will happen.
Couples that have separate social lives, friends, careers, travel plans and so on are also more likely to stray. This seems logical, especially if a good portion of their leisure time is spent apart. Marriage is work and if the couple is not taking or making the time to enjoy life together, but are enjoying things with people other than their spouse, there is an increased chance that they will become attracted to another person, a person they are relaxing or having fun with, even if they could be doing the exact same thing with their spouse.
Personality Traits
There are even certain personality traits that increase the chances of cheating. Risk takers are more likely to cheat because they have a higher tolerance for danger in regard to getting caught. A conservative, timid individual will tend to weigh the risk of such an act, losing their partner, breaking up their family, facing social shame, as more heavily than the risk taker, who will focus on the reward and downplay the risk.
Personality Disorders
Also, people who have psychopathic and Machiavellian personality traits are much more likely to cheat. Psychopathy, or lack of empathy for others, and Machiavellianism, lack of emotions with a manipulative aspect to their personality, are both linked to infidelity.
Narcissism, or the extreme focus on one’s self, and the desire to or condition of being not only self-absorbed, but viewing yourself as superior to others, is another personality trait that very often leads to the inability to be faithful.
Other Factors
In terms of gender, studies demonstrate that men who lack empathy and concern for others are more likely to cheat, whereas women who are manipulative and emotionally aloof are the ones most likely to stray.
Another characteristic likely to increase the risk of infidelity is power. The more powerful the person feels he or she is and projects into society, the more likely they are to cheat. This is likely because powerful individuals act more assertive and outgoing. They make more direct eye contact and are less afraid to approach strangers they find attractive.
Relationship Characteristics
Mismatched sexual desire within a relationship can also contribute. But sexual desire itself within the individual also has its own impact. People with higher sex drives are naturally more likely to seek adventurous, risky sex outside the relationship, especially if they’ve been matched with a partner who doesn’t seek the same amount of sex as they do. Sexual desire seems to be influenced by genetic factors. Some people are just more inherently aroused and driven by sexual desires.
For some, the passion and intensity of sex is extremely rewarding and addictive. This is labeled the Coolidge Effect, after President Coolidge. As the story goes, President and Mrs. Coolidge were visiting a farm when she commented on how the rooster could continue to mate all throughout the day without tiring. President Coolidge commented back to her that it was in fact with a different chicken every time!
Wanting What We Don't Have
Humans naturally have the emotional desire for two things: attachment to another and sexual desire. The attachment is why we couple and commit in the first place. The problem lies with the fact that our sexual
desire is often just as strong and, as life goes, it is difficult to maintain a desire for something that you have access to everyday. It’s almost as if we are hard wired to desire what we don’t, can’t or shouldn’t have while under-appreciating what we do. Without a force within us that we are not only consciously aware of and is also stronger than our need for the new, the exciting and the different, we are at risk for infidelity.
Levels of Attachment
In addition to personality traits, there is an even deeper trigger within us toward infidelity. We all develop different levels of attachment as infants, depending on how our first experiences with our caregiver(s) are perceived, before we are even putting together coherent thoughts. These early experiences cause us to develop different styles of attachment as adults.
Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment
When caregivers are inconsistent or overly protective, infants form an anxious or preoccupied attachment to the person primarily responsible for their care. They monitor their caregivers more closely, attempt to stay by their side and respond more dramatically when in trouble.
Dismissive Attachment
When caregivers are stretched too thin, infants are likely to develop a dismissing style of attachment. They show few signs of needing their caregivers and spend little time trying to get their caregiver’s attention.
Fear/Avoidant Attachment
Some form a fearful-avoidant style of attachment, which includes both anxious and avoidant tendencies. These infants grow up to seek both closeness and distance within their adult relationships.
Secure Attachment
The only real healthy type of attachment of these four is the last, the secure style of attachment. When children feel safe and comfortable, they are able to explore new skills and experiences with minimum anxiety or concern.
Adults that experienced secure attachments as infants ted to have more satisfying, long lasting relationships and less infidelity. They are comfortable having someone depend on them and are just as comfortable depending on another. They are more trusting, open, understanding and approach problems and issues in a constructive manner within the relationship.
People who formed anxious or preoccupied attachment are more likely to be preoccupied with their adult relationships. They are constantly worried about their relationships and they crave and desperately need intimacy. They never stop questioning their partner’s love.
People who have dismissing attachments as children grow up to be uncomfortable with intimacy. They do not like it when people get close, and they don’t like being dependent on a partner or having someone dependent on them. They tend not to trust others, and are less likely to fall deeply in love.
Fearful-avoidant individual’s behavior is difficult to predict because it is based on mixed emotions. They need to feel close to their partner while simultaneously wanting to push them away.
Unique Factor In Just Men
Interestingly enough, there is also a factor unique to men that determines their level of satisfaction within their relationships and can determine if they will stray. When men were asked the question, “What would you choose if you had to, to be unloved but respected, or loved and not seen as capable, strong and sufficient?”
Overwhelmingly, men choose respect over love.
Most women are unaware of this and violate this sacred need with their partners. An example of this would be a woman who is very loving, caring and nurturing, but conversely makes negative comments to her man or about her man to others, indicating that she does not respect or trust in his ability to provide, supply security or be the lead within the relationship. This could be as direct as demonstrating her lack of belief in his ability to provide a living or as subtle as her indicating that if she were in some kind of danger she would attempt to save herself before considering her partner to protect her.
Men have an innate need to feel respected for being a man. They need to know that their partner believes in them, not that she’s only in love with him. On the surface these two emotions can seem similar or intertwined. It’s easy to think that if you are showing love and affection to a man, he will naturally assume you respect him as well.
However, if you are showing affection to him, and at the same time indicating you do not believe in his ability to be successful, say by questioning his ability to hold a job, keep you safe or produce children, you could be sabotaging his ability to feel truly respected. In some cases, your man may seek that acknowledgment and respect from outside the relationship and get involved inappropriately with someone who does provide him that.
While it is impossible to control someone else’s behavior, and as research has demonstrated, there are some innate characteristics developed very early on that tend to increase the chances of infidelity, there are things individuals can do within a relationship to ensure that their partner will at least have every reason available to them not to stray. You cannot foolproof a relationship against infidelity, but you can do things that will at least lower the risk.
Every individual is seeking pretty much the same characteristics in their partner. These are not limited to but definitely include understanding, appreciation, respect, caring and kindness, helpfulness, trustworthiness, a positive attitude, and someone fun to be around. This seems relatively straightforward and even achievable by the healthy adult most of the time. Of course no one can be all of these things all of the time. Yet there are certain actions you can put into motion that tend to harvest healthy, long term, exclusive relationships.
What You Can Do To Lower The Chances
Being slow but consistent in getting to know a potential partner and allowing the relationship to develop at a reasonable pace is certainly one of them. Being overly rushed or anxious to get to a commitment, to have kids, etc. can tax a new relationship and threaten its longevity.
Along with this, it is important to maintain consistency, especially in providing support and encouragement. Inconsistent behavior, as in being supportive, and then negative, flipping back and forth, can also tax a relationship unnecessarily.
And although this sounds like a no brainer, it deserves to be mentioned. Keeping things upbeat within the relationship provides it with a solid base. If you find yourself constantly mentioning only the negative, only the things your partner does that irritates or disappoints you, you are headed for trouble. Human beings are actually quite simple.
The way our brains work we tend to reflect on, and consequently act on, or act like, what we are being told the most. So if you are receiving a lot of negative, critical feedback about yourself and your actions, guess what? You will have a tendency to continue that behavior. But what if someone you’re close to and believe in is telling you all throughout most every day how brilliant, capable, talented and deserving you are?
It is obvious how the type of input we are getting from others can determine our actions. Consider this when dealing with your partner. Just knowing that our significant other believes in us and knows on a deep level that we will be a faithful, caring, supportive, loving partner for today and all the days to come, will surely have an influence on us actually turning out that way.
What Couples Can Do
As a couple, it’s also important to approach problems together. Couples feel closer and are more satisfied when they do. Couples who take a “US” verses the problem, instead of “You verses “Me” are much happier in the long run. Equally important, and this is a big one, is not taking each other for granted. Over time, we tend to stop appreciating many of the things that got us to fall in love in the first place. In short, we tend to expect more and appreciate less.
It’s also critical to acknowledge and appreciate the differences between you and your partner, and be tolerant of the negative ones, if you can. “Everyone has their own degree of crazy. The secret is determining within yourself just to what degree you can tolerate and find that person.”
The last three things that will certainly help the overall health of your relationship in addition to making infidelity less of a risk are keeping things exciting and fun, being approachable and expressing commitment. Despite all of these wonderful suggestions that we can do to limit the fragility of our relationships, and despite even the fact that men are genetically hard wired to spread their seed and certain personality types can enhance that, there is still one last thing that could be the final stop-gap against infidelity.
This is something that, even if the other factors may be there, such as personality characteristics and genetic predisposition, if this one quality is present it can be the one that makes the big difference. Even if you find a person that does not have a predisposition toward infidelity because of their personality, upbringing or insecurities, and you are doing most everything as right as you possibly can within the relationship, having this in your partner will surely ensure that infidelity is something you never have to give any thought to.
Moral Makeup
This quality is the moral makeup of the person. In today’s modern world, infidelity is something that seems to be almost accepted behavior and goes without much repercussion or backlash. We hear of celebrities daily that get caught cheating on their partner. We even had a president that got caught cheating, took it one step further by flat out lying to the entire country about it, and still he has one of the highest popularity ratings of any president we’ve ever had!
So it’s not surprising that it is hard to find a person these days that really has a strong stance against infidelity. But it’s more than just morally disagreeing with it. That is important, for sure, and will make a huge difference in it happening or not. Being aware of the damage that infidelity will do to your union can and should also be a major deterrent.
Understanding the Repercussions
If you cheat, you are inviting the person you cheat with straight into you and your partner’s bed. For the rest of your relationship, there will always be that other person there, even long after the fling has ended. That person will be right there between you and your partner in the form of guilt and the fear of your partner ever finding out. It doesn’t matter if they ever do, your relationship, especially sexually, will be forever damaged.
Once that step is taken, once you break the intimate, sacred bond by sleeping with another, you can never go back to the pristine, pure sanctity that an untarnished relationship holds. It will forever be in the back of your mind, and you will always feel the guilt, wondering if your partner will find out someday, and even worse, knowing that if you were capable of doing it, then what’s keeping your partner from it? If you can’t trust yourself, who can you trust?
Making a commitment is a very serious act. A committed relationship takes a lot of work. Within that scope of work is maintaining and growing the sexual desire and experiences you have together. Try to find someone with whom you are sexually compatible. If you want it twice a day and he only wants it twice a month, there’s going to be a problem. Find someone whom you have very good sexual chemistry with, then be good to each other and remember that so much of our sexuality and attraction is wrapped up in how we perceive the other person to feel about us.
Make your partner feel beautiful, desired and attractive. Let them know how much you respect, appreciate and want them. Make sure your partner has a similar moral compass to yours and values fidelity as much as you do. Then set out to maintain the relationship and keep the sex fresh and fun. Make sure you both understand who each other's number one priority should always be, as your coupling is the basis for most everything in your lives.
It is clear that no one factor or behavior can lead to or prevent infidelity. The best you can do is choose who you couple with carefully, making sure fidelity is as important to them as it is to you, and express to them that they are valued, through your words as well as your actions.
